Eu Não Pertenço A Lugar Nenhum: LETTER TO DANIEL KRISTIANSEN

Dear Daniel,

I don’t even know if this is your real name or just one you had picked up, but I want to say… I saw what happened. Once more, when I was just checking if you were okay, I discovered that your account at Deviant Art was deactivated, and not only that, you had deleted others accounts as well, like twitter, pinterest and others. This worried me. Since you had scared me deleting all your art, all your hard work from Deviant Art some years ago, I was worried that something bad had happened to you. When you could come back with new art, I was so glad for you, you was trying once more to make art. I really hoped that you could keep it and you had make a lot of progress! Unfortunately, it’s seems it wasn’t enough for you, right? Oh god…

And you know what? I understand. Life isn’t easy, we always want more, to do bigger things and society demand us to make a lot of money out of it… or we will be out of it. Eventually, it’s sad for me to see something like this happening to you again; in fact, it breaks my heart seeing the world doing it again with one more person… There’s nothing that I fear the most than life itself. People had imagined life as something great, as something beautiful, as something simple and something wonderful. Life isn’t that, at least, not only that. Life can be cruel, can be about misery, can be about psychological and physical torture, can be about ignorance and many others bad things and you can die before seeing how great life can be. How life can be great if you were born to die with nothing great in your life? Where are these great things when someone is trying to kill you without even meeting you, because of your religion, your culture, your “skin color”, your sexuality…? It’s not fair to be alive. Knowing this, I get worried about you. You may need some help to achieve what you want for your life; you may need some support to keep yourself strong against bad thoughts, you may need something to keep going whatever it is and then, life didn’t care about it. You would feel lonely and given up on your dreams, on your hard work, on how far you went… Guess everyone will pass through something like this; you can’t have everything and you will need to give up on something if you want something. It’s not fair, because all you want is to be happy, to be successful and… somehow, it doesn’t happen. Time pass and what you wanted fade slowly until it disappear. Most people in the world don’t follow their dreams; they just live, doing what they need to live. Guess that people call it “being an adult”.

I don’t know what happened to you this time and I really hope you are safe and sound, just had given up on some ‘stupid draws’ you may say, but, that’s not how I see it. When I first met your drawings, it was easy to spot that they wasn’t that refined, but they had something special. They were sweet, kind, simple. They had passed to me this feeling of paradise, simple, but great, unforgettable! I wanted to see more of it! And I had saved it on my favorites to look at it later. I had forgot for some time and then, when I finally go back to see it, they were all gone… I couldn’t believe something like that had happened. As an artist, I was so shocked! You really had given up on all of it. That was part of you, it was your hard work, the first steps you had taken so far and then… all gone. People may not be proud of what they had done before, no matter how much that was important, people will look at it as something so ugly that they would erase from earth to forget they were so bad before. However, what is the problem with something a little ugly, with something not finished yet? You didn’t know how to do it before! You needed to make mistakes to learn something new and… yet… People may not be satisfied with it.

I already saw a few artist complaining about how their art isn’t magic, that they don’t have any time to spend doing art for someone for free, on how they need to dedicate all their time doing commissions to have money… Do you see? When people will ever understand that making art isn’t easy? I know… No matter how much I love comics, drawing and illustrations and pretending to make some draws to make a comic out of little novel I had write, I know I’m not into drawing like you did. I just pass a lot of time doing anything but drawing… but when it comes to write, I just can’t stop! And lately, not even that… I should finish my book once and for all, but I hadn’t feeling into it. Sometimes you just want life to work by itself, unfortunately, that isn’t something that time will heal or help you out at all. I don’t know what to do or what will happen. Time is passing so fast and I had been feeling that I don’t have any strong left… The last thing I have is my novel made by someone who didn’t went to college, who didn’t have read as many books people say you should (I prefer comics, by the way). If something happen, I don’t know what will happen with me… I already had given up on life a long time ago and I don’t feel that I will ever fit on the mold. I don’t want it. I just want to be in peace with myself and fitting on the mold will just make me feel with no peace left. So, what exactly I am supposed to do? Well, I am just waiting to see if something change, if life can be only about this and that nothing else will happen. I’m afraid I will ending up disappointed, but I will know for sure that life isn’t something as great as people say… it should have something more… And you can say that I care about you because of this, because I want something special to happen in your life, that one thing you need so much to keep drawing…

Why would I just write this instead of trying to find you? I am not good at this thing called friendship, in fact, not good at all. You can know some people here and there, but I can’t call then friends, I really dislike using the word friend. How can I be friend with someone living so far away from me? If I was a good friend, I should go to where you live and pull your ear right now and asking you at the top of my voice: What the hell is happening with you?! *sigh* Probably there’s no one else to ask you so nicely about it and sit close to you and hear what actually happened. You seem a kind person… Even though people aren’t as nice people think they can be, your art had spoken to me for you. You had tried to make comics about friends, about love, about happiness and, some way, you had fail at it. You had fail so hard that you had given up on your art; and, I hope, is trying something else. No problem, I guess. You do what you want to do with your life. But now it seems something serious. If you deleted your others accounts, how I will know that you are fine? I am worried about you. Even if I am just being too dramatic and all, if I just could hear that you are fine and your drawings are safe, that would be awesome…

Sometimes… Sometimes I just don’t want to believe that life can play with us like it’s funny to loose what we care the most and then we will be forced to leave it behind like it was nothing… It hurts me so bad… We only have here and now to do things, but things aren’t working well and we need time to make it work and… time is over, it’s already time to die and leave all behind… or, you grow up and you will not have any time left to keep your childhood dreams, it’s time to give it to someone else… People love to keep saying things like “keep believing” when they achieve their dreams, but, what happens to everyone else that couldn’t make it? Just living a normal life, I guess… A life without dreams, without magic, without imagination… Sometimes I just wish that god could give the basics to people live: food, water, good clothes, some place to lay down and sleep in peace, have access to knowledge and feel loved. Unfortunately, it seems the last one is the hardest one to achieve. You can live a whole life without a single drop of love. There’s nothing more terrifying for me than life without love, without respect, without feeling that our dreams are possible. That’s all I can say, on and on, because until now, I couldn’t stop thinking that somehow god is too far alway to actually help us with what we need the most: love. Your art was so beautiful, lovely! Yet, it seems I’m a fool who love things nobody else likes… Maybe I’m just no one, someone who will be forgotten; and someday the hope to create a fair world where people can find happiness, comfort and help not so far away from where they live will die with me. Is it too much to ask for a better world?

As I said before, I understand if this is what you want… It’s so hard to live and what you did was probably the best you could do… I really wanted to help you somehow… and I’m just miserable, I can’t talk to you directly. Life is so unfair that this letter never will find you… Maybe it’s better this way. On the other hand, the hat boy, as I like to call it, the first draw a put here, will always be my desktop, on computer and smartphone. Every day I will look at it and remember you, to still have hope, hope that someday things will be better. It’s impossible to live without hope when you are just as neurotic as I am. I’m still afraid that I never will see life being fair the way I want, but I still will wait to see you drawing again. If there is a god above us, he should know what is happening with you and help you somehow, since I can do nothing. I would like to know how he would help, it’s so hard to say if god is helping or not… Things still need to happen, no matter how much we want them or not… You not drawing anymore is still possible, with or without god’s help.

I don’t like to believe in miracles… Not because they are impossible, they can be possible. My problem is with that part where they are so rare that you can live without noticing them. I really would like to see this one happening… I want to see you making art and smiling, the same way I did when I looked at it. Guess not in this life, but yet, it doesn’t cost to dream a little.